the magic bullet

Last Sunday I was a little tired after running around all weekend trying to spend my Christmas bonus as fast as humanly possible, and as I plopped down on the couch and flipped on the TV, I stumbled across an infomercial for The Magic Bullet.

Now, if you’re Americanized or watch too much TV (it has to be one of those two, since crappy thirty-minute commercials certainly don’t exist outside of the USA. Nothing cool does. At all.) you’ll know what I’m talking about. Infomercials are great things. I kind of think of them like train wrecks — they are so gruesome, that you can’t just look away. You just have to stare. And laugh.

The one for the Magic Bullet is great. I especially love how these days they weave a story into the sales pitch. It actually makes these “shows” really entertaining. It starts out in someone’s house (we never really find out whose, the director obviously didn’t think much of character depth, the film school dropout), and it’s purportedly early in the morning. By some real magic, someone has laid out a morning buffet ranging from fruit platters to lunch meats and coffee grounds. They never really get into that either (I hate film plot holes), since the setting is early morning and everyone is dragging themselves into the kitchen for some food. Fortunately, the magic bullet is here to save the day, and our happy-go-lucky hosts are here to tell us all about this food-making time-saving whiz-bang device.

This is where things get really interesting. First of all, if I had friends who would not shut the crap up about a single kitchen appliance for a whole half hour, I think I’d have to give them a different kind of magic bullet. Secondly, if they have three of them sitting in the middle of their countertop, I’d really think something weird might be going on — probably somewhere in the ballpark of “these people have no clue how to cook.” But, all that is forgotten since our hosts are fantastic people. One is a fantastic gentleman with an English accent (the producers know how we Americans are easily wooed by foreigners), and the other is a nice lady who is just a bit too exuberant for her age about a mini-blender.

Anyway, as the guests wander in, they all want something to eat. Well just hang onto your bran muffins, because the Magic Bullet is here to save the day and whip up every possible meal you could think of in an 18 ounce microwavable container with a blender motor powerful enough to stir milk. As each of the guests ask for something different, their nutritional needs are quickly met by this small culinary wonder. For instance, would you like a fruit smoothie? Well, let’s just jam four different fruits in this thing with some orange juice, and then blend it with the magic bullet. I’m sure those whipped seeds will go down well. You’ll be so impressed by the fact that it took only 3 seconds to turn them to mush that you’ll never notice that we forgot to take the leaves off the strawberries.

Next, someone wants some coffee. Where’s the coffeemaker? Ha ha, that’s funny! Why, we’ll just ground our own Columbian beans in the magic bullet. This is where the real video editing comes into play, because if you watch carefully, what they start with and what they cut to in the next scene is definately not transitional. But that’s okay too, because we don’t want to detract from the idea that you can make every freaking meal you’ll ever want in this little machine!

It goes on like this for a full half hour, with our charismatic hosts gushing at all the foods you can make with just a blender (from pasta sauce, to chocolate mousse and chicken salad sandwich mush), and the viewer slowly forgetting that there are other ways to prepare food. I’ll tell you, I really get sucked into these things. And it’s not even bigger than a coffee cup! All that saved space will be used up the 18 accessories the amazing magic bullet comes with though.

Despite the cheesy commercial / mini-drama, I gotta say I’m sold on this thing. I went out tonight to the store looking for one, because I just can’t wait for them to ship it in time, and I must have my mini-blender harmony at once! Besides, I’m all about one-step cooking, which usually consists of me taking the wrapping off my TV dinner and throwing something in the oven for 40 minutes. With this though, I could just do like they do, and throw random foods together and they’ll just naturally taste better pureed.

I didn’t find a Magic Bullet in the stores though (those local retailers are missing out bigtime), but I did find a mini-blender at Shop-Ko for only $16. That included shipping and handling. The only weird thing is that the checkout clerk stared at me like a cow in headlights when I asked if they were buy one get one free. I tried to explain that I was acting within thirty minutes or less, but that didn’t help.

Something else I just noticed, these guys have a website. That is freaking awesome. It actually looks pretty decent too. The really sad part about all of this? I still wanna buy one. I think it looks cool, and it seems like an innovative idea (blenders are too large for most tasks, I think). The only problem I’ve had with my mini-time saver so far is that the first thing I made in it kinda exploded and went all over the counter. I guess I’ll just have to get out my Orange-Glo.